Many of our parents, however, are still getting to grips with using Excel and emailing, let alone comprehending why we’re so adamant we can’t go near Internet Explorer.

Some people like to divide the world into two categories - those who can, and those who can’t. Some call them Passionates and Non-Passionates*, some call them simply ‘them‘ (that works both ways) and some like to exploit the other.

Take, for example, the flashy monitor we had last year. By flashy I don’t mean suave, sophisticated or a bit of a show-off; I mean that it was black, then white, then black, then white, then black, then showing signs of Windows XP for all of a few seconds, then black… The problem was the monitor. How do I know? I just know, ok! If that’s not enough of a reason, the computer was working fine, and I could input whilst the monitor was flashing (although not without a headache). My mother, in a fit of hysteria, and without my advice, took the issue to the computer shop, where the problem was diagnosed and a prognosis given.
Your hard drive is shot, you need a new one.
My mother, running her own business, would like to have the files transferred to the new hard drive from the old one. It’s been done before.
Impossible.
So my mother shells out for a new hard drive. All our files are lost; not a tragedy, I’ll admit, since we back them all up, but a nuisance. Just imagine her frustration when, all shiny hard drived up, the monitor keeps flashing.

The point of this story, is that I would not have been taken in by this blasted computer man. I would have borrowed a monitor from a friend, replaced my flashy one and confirmed that the monitor was at fault. I would then have bought a new monitor (something we did a few months later and - wow! - we’re back in business) and retained all my lovely files and settings.
But my mother isn’t me, and she trusts that this chap has more knowledge than she does, and takes him at his word. Something that 70%** of other 40-something people would have done.

Now, I cannot understand why people have trouble attaching documents to emails, printing photographs, or copying files to CD. I really cannot, as it is the simplest thing in the world to me. But that doesn’t give anyone the right to exploit those people who don’t find it obvious - whether they’re Non-Passionates, Normals, Non-Geeks, or a miriad of other labels.

None of this, however, makes it any more forgivable for a middle-aged woman to declare that she ‘just can’t email’ and expect it to be accepted… Meet us half way, people!

*Which I think is a little unfair, don’t you?
**Not a real statistic…

For those of you who don’t know, Spore is essentially a mash up of many game types, with the basis being evolution of a species, your species. Yes that’s right, you start the game as a singular cell in a 2D world. This stage is similar to Pac Man but with no boundaries, just fluid dynamics to guide you. As you eat more and collect body parts you are able to “evolve” your creature to the next level by adding new parts or rearranging old ones. Everything is procedurally generated on the fly, and at some point you will have control over everything, the plants, trees, rocks, water, music, creatures, colour of the planet and even its shape. Also added to this is the massively single player experience where other peoples creatures and buildings are added to your game depending on how you play and how you design your creature. This means that there is always stuff that can kill you along with stuff you can kill.

Eventually you progress onto land and into a 3D environment, where your main objective is to ally or defeat other nests of creatures, this is done through a rather simplistic button bash style game and is one of the main areas where spore fails to deliver on its vision. This leads onto a 3^rd tribal stage which is the same but in a grander scale with instruments and weapons coming in to play. After this you progress onto the penultimate stage, the civ stage.

The civ and space stages are mostly the same, just on a different level of control, the civ stage allows you to do most things but the space stage allows you to do almost anything you like. This is the most accurately depicted stage of spore, you take control of a single space ship and fly round the 50,000 star systems in the galaxy, that’s endless hours of fun, with tools such as the genesis device and tractor beam.

It promised to be the most open ended game ever created and to a large extent it is, but in many ways its so simple (easy to get from cell to space in less than 4 hours) which lets it down. Although Will has now said that this was intentional as to persuade casual gamers it seems die hard fans of his work will be disappointed. It is more open ended than The Sims or Sim City but some how seems more of a tech demo or proof of concept rather than a game.

In conclusion it is a great concept and fun to play with, but far too simple to impress the hard core gamer.

Read more here

My entry for this crazy short story thing. Word limit is 500 so I use 499, you can check if you want!

[Editor's note: this story is for grown-up readers only.]

Roy was born under a cloud of bad feeling, a heroin addicted mother and no home, each factor making the other one seem worse. His Mum, Janet, loved her child very much and although she could not offer him a permanent home or future, she gave him all the love she could.
It was a Sunday when things got really bad, Roy wouldn’t sleep and Janet needed to get him down for the night so she could go into town and make some money. With the scraps of her last hit still lingering, Janet gave Roy some sleeping pills and ran out into the cold rain. The water fell onto her body and cascaded down her, she was hardly wearing any clothes and she was freezing, the umbrella she had was broken and tattered, a mirror image of her life. She stumbled onto her usual ‘spot’ where she waited and waited, a car pulled up.
Several hours later, Janet was dropped off on the same street corner, chucked out like rubbish, no love, no care, no feeling. Janet felt sick, she bent down to vomit in the drain but then the thought of Roy entered her mind and there was a moment where she felt at peace… Swallowing the sick that sat at the deep crevasse at the back of her throat, she collected herself and ran to see her son.
It wasn’t long before she was home and although the urge for a fix was too much to bear, she had to make sure her son was well. The thought that she may have made a massive mistake consumed her, but so did the thought of heroin.
Her worst fears were realised, as much as she shook, shouted or screamed she could not wake Roy up. She thought he was dead. The one thing in her life that was pure and innocent had gone. She had killed her son; killed the one thing that she would kill others to protect. Going to sell her body to get heroin tokens had sold her son to the afterlife.
Janet grabbed a knife, she would not let herself be treated like rubbish by this life, man after man had raped her of her dignity; now she would find dignity in death. She cut into her wrist and severed the veins, the meat clinging to her bone split open with ease and the blood started to pour out. As her life faded away, she heard a cry and a scream, it was Roy. He was not dead.
It was too late, Janet’s life started to fade away, the pain of her wrists was matched only by that of the fact that she knew her beloved Roy’s life would be a waste. She bit her thumb.
Two weeks past until anyone noticed anything was wrong. The police crashed through the door, only to see two rotting corpses. Arranged like meat in an abattoir, like meat on a counter, like rubbish in a bin.

My own company was beginning to dwell on me as I sat in solitude amidst the general clutter of my room. Time to make a move in order to lose, if only for a while, my troglodyte status. So in to the daylight I ventured…

I enjoyed the Sun’s beautiful rays as I head out towards the railway line. It made a change from the usual rain and wind that harrows old people as they use all their strength to fight with gales going about their usual business. This generally involves wandering aimlessly and moaning about things that I find very trivial. But then the weather is trivial I suppose. It’s when you think about it and embrace it that it becomes more than a neglected detail of every day life.

Railway Maintenance had repaired the barbed wire fence that helped fend off individuals who intended to cause a variety of careless vandalism. I, on the other hand, am not one of these yobs and I only choose to go down onto the railway line to reflect on my feelings and take pleasure in the seclusion that it offers. It isn’t very often that you get a chance to sit down in the gleaming sunlight without a soul in sight.

I kept walking along all the while finding excellent angles to capture the odd snap; some of nature, some of obscure things that bequeathed meaning.

After a while the obligatory train came by and I stopped to feel the cannonade of fresh air explode onto my face. In fact it wasn’t really all that fresh, I mean it was full of petrol fumes, but if I held my breathe it felt fresh and pleasingly cool.

As I progressed along the track something rare occurred: I saw a man who was, like me, alone. I always thought that this track was mine. I was like its ruler. If I saw some litter I would pick it up and take it away with me; if I came across weeds nestling amongst the poppies and foxgloves I would tear them out. This man had violated my kingdom.

I held up my camera and zoomed in on the lonely character. He was old and appeared disturbed. He was talking to himself and moving his arms frantically about his body scratching his greying hair violently. He then stopped, removed a concealed Bible from his jacket and clutched it, still muttering uncontrollably. I was confused by the spectacle; if I’d have seen him in town I wouldn’t have given him a second glance but here, alone, he became an exhibition.

Again I heard a train rumbling along the tracks. It got closer and as it did the man became more hysterical. Then at once he ran out onto the railway line and cast his Bible into the sky. I screamed, the train screamed to a halt and the man was knocked off the track… The man did not scream, alone in the ditch…

The simple reason for this is that the developers (Ubisoft Montreal) have tried to fit a lot of fancy Wii controls to the game, which has sent the Wii version crashing down around their ears.

The Wii version is exactly the same as the Gamecube version, so there is still no online multiplayer unlike the Xbox 360 (not good) but they have kept the alternative current gen storyline instead of the next-gen games (good thing).

The main storyline is that as special agent Sam Fisher (who never seems to reach retirement even though in ‘Chaos Theory’ you find out just how old he is) you are sent to prison to infiltrate a terrorist cell were you decide where your loyalties lie. This is a perfectly good story line that could work as it does on all the other formats.

From the very start it is obvious that there has been next to no effort put into updating the graphics, even though the Wii is not exactly a graphical powerhouse (although it does have a bit more oomph under then the hood then the original Xbox). But the Wii version seems to have a much murkier grey colour scheme making the whole game seem very bland; few surfaces stand out from each other.

But like I said at the very beginning of the article, it’s the control system that lets the game down: the nunchuck and the remote are meant to enhance your gaming experience by ten-fold but this time it more effective to just use a conventional controller.

To turn the camera you have to point the Wii remote at the edge of the screen a lot like “Call of Duty 3” or “Red Steel” so you would think that (as in the mentioned games) all you have to do is point the remote further off the screen to turn faster but no this game chooses not to do this. In this game when you point the remote off the screen the camera … wait for it … stops dead, which is not very useful in a fire fight.

The nunchuck controls are just as rubbish with jumping performed by flicking the nunchuck: Flick up would take cover behind a wall but now involves tilting the nunchuck form side to side. Although the controls aren’t all bad the lock picking is very enjoyable, but aiming is near impossible - if you are moving an inch then you will have to have the luck of the leprechauns to hit someone, and standing still isn’t very preferable in a large fire fight. But thankfully they haven’t messed around with the co-op mode too much and it seems that when you have a mate to curse at the controls with you it is that much more bearable.

So all in all Wii version is a waste of time. You’re better off buying the Gamecube version and sticking it in your Wii.

I am currently listening to ‘Time as Commodity’ by Buried Inside. It’s not the best song on the album but then again the album is made up of one song segmented into 11 different tracks, (Introduction, Time as Ideology, Time as Methodology, Time as Surrogate Religion, Time as Imperialism, Reintroduction, Time as Abjection, Time as Automation, Time as Commodity and Time as Resistance). Needless to say the album is about ‘Time’ and whether it exists or not and how it does and doesn’t exist in different walks of life. But the point I am trying to make is that Buried Inside have created this album (Chronoclast) with the view of making a point, teaching the world something, expressing themselves; but most of all not being sucked into the trap of being a mainstream bag of dog turd that produces reconstituted, low level crap that, quite frankly, could have created by a monkey with learning disabilities. The song has now changed and it’s a short one so I must therefore make this paragraph snappy! The song that has come on is one by a band called ‘Unearth’ and it’s called FALSE IDOLS. The name was not in capitals on the album sleeve and nor was it on my tunes, I just decided to put them in capitals as that is was a lot of the musical ‘idols’ of today are; false. Look at Robbie Williams for example, how many songs do you reckon he as actually written himself? (Reflexive Pronoun according to Spell Check) How many songs has he grafted over, sweated over, cried over? My estimate would be around a nice big 0. Next song: System of a Down, ‘Chop Suey’, a strange band but a very popular song that made it quite successfully into the mainstream. Now don’t get me wrong the mainstream isn’t all bad; some of my favourite bands are pretty mass market; the likes of Slipknot, Killswitch Engage and The Arctic Monkeys can hardly say they are underground any more, but the difference is they have musical credibility. This song currently has a strings part going on which is a nice contrast to that of the rock background; this texture clash is something that I feel that the likes of ‘Girls Aloud’ or ‘Avenged Sevenfold’ would struggle to understand: can’t be seen as different now can we? ‘Metallica’! Sell outs? Yes! Do I care? NO. They have done enough in the many years of being a band so to be quite honest I don’t care about the fact that they have now become a product, a business, a company, a multinational, a ‘whatever else you want to call them’. They created half the bands I listen to, half the bands you listen to and half the bands that everyone listens to so I couldn’t care if they came round my house and ate all the food, they gave me enjoyment, I should give them some. Ahhh, ‘Blur’ part of the Britpop era; a period that produced some brilliant songs, some average ones and some songs that are best of being buried when Phil Collins decides to die. Without doubt, Blur are one of Britain’s most iconic bands and personally I can say I prefer them to Oasis. I believe that Noel Gallagher is one of the greatest song writers ever, but being a fan of the world of ‘interesting’ music I prefer Blur as they are by far and away more ‘interesting’. Killswitch Engage: ‘Brilliant’. One of the few bands that continuously grab me by the balls. Their albums are solid, they have epicity (to be epic) of the highest degree and their live show is fantastically funny. I haven’t to this day heard a KsE song that makes me want to leave the room. KsE are a band that all should be able to ‘Inhale’ from the moment that Darkness falls to the moment Daylight days, they are for you, for me for everyone. They are mainstream, but they haven’t sold out before their time, they haven’t started playing Metallica rips offs and they most certainly haven’t written songs that have the lyrics ‘Wooaooahaoo’. (Trivium) Codeseven are a band that I know very little about. After hearing the two songs ‘Lights’ and ‘How many miles to Babylon’ I was very impressed, then I heard ‘The Rescue’ which was less brutal, frantic or loud but was still technically quite good and was very catchy. But then I heard the song I have on now which I like very much (the song in question is ‘Alt. Wave’), a quiet, Indyesque, quite ambient song that is miles away from the thrash style of the earlier songs. However, although I liked the song, I was not impressed that ‘Codeseven’ had ditched their Hardcore roots and had made a drastic transition to the more mainstream Indy style. Why? I don’t know but I have a feeling that it may have something to with either money or record deal. But still if they are producing good music then who cares. Trivium produced some good stuff on ‘Ascendancy’, ‘Lostprophets’ produced some amazing music on ‘The fake sounds of progress’ but then they turned into, well, bollocks really. Give me the option of listening to the ‘Wooaooahaoo’ song by Trivium (namely the anthem) or pull each of my teeth out with a kipper and I know what I would prefer to do. Mastodon are a strange band, on strange label; Relapse Records, are famous for signing bands that are weird, wacky and wonderful. Some of my favourite bands come from Relapse; ‘The Dillinger Escape Plan’ is just on of them, an extremely violent mix of hardcore, thrash, ambience and jazz. Without doubt the two aforementioned bands are the most mainstream on Relapse. (Bands such as ‘RUMPELSTILTSKIN GRINDER’ and ‘Agoraphobic Nosebleed’) Mastodon is definitely part of the musical genre ‘interesting’ but they most certainly are not alone. The song has now changed to another Relapse records band called ‘Dysrhythmia’ who (if you didn’t know) are a ‘progressive, instrumental, jazz, funk metal band’. Again they are without doubt one of my favourite bands. Another great sign that the underground produces some amazing, if strange music that doesn’t get the attention it deserves. For the first time in this music-influenced article I have selected the song. This song (Elegy) and this band is one of my favourite pieces of art and one of my favourite groups of artists, ever. It really does ‘grab me by the balls’, it sounds like Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu and Leonardo Da Vinci have got together, had sex and nine months later out popped ‘Becoming the Archetype’. Managing to merge, classical, guitar, black metal, thrash metal, piano, church organs and a ridiculous amount of blast beats, they have created something that sounds likegod. The song is still going, but has now gone from the ferocious blast beats and roaring of ‘War is the path that leads to destruction’ to the quite celestial piano. I struggle to type this as I am so overwhelmed by what I am hearing. Becoming the Archetype is a band that very few people have heard of. They are underground; a Christian Metalcore band that shouldn’t be underground. This is one band that I don’t want to be left downstairs, I don’t want them to be heard only be the weirdoes like myself who traipse around the internet and shops to find good music that no one has ever heard of before. It is for the good of the world that Becoming the Archetype are heard by all so that everyone can have the opportunity to experience the godliness of this great band. ‘Elegy’ has just finished, it was eleven minutes and 14 seconds of pure brilliancein a bag. The album ‘Terminate Damnation’ is also of this fantastical calibre. Varying from classical guitar to pure thrash, this album has something for everyone who has half a brain. Becoming the Archetype are without doubt, the Archetypical band that really could shape the music of the future just like Led Zeppelin, Muddy Waters, The Beatles, Johnny Cash, Black Sabbath, Metallica, Radiohead, Nirvana, Slipknot, and One True Voice did before them. (Ha! One True Voice, showing that manufactured bands DO work). I feel now that I can no longer put another song on that will match the brilliance of ‘Elegy’. There are very few songs in my opinion that can match the ferocity, the subtlety, the kind evilness, the quiet loudness and the progressive simplicity of ‘Elegy’ so for this ‘creative session’ I will cease. Unless a new song comes on that is everything that ‘Elegy’ is and more. Let’s see [He clicks on iTunes, he presses next (current song is '4th Grade Dropout' by 'The Dillinger Escape Plan'] the next song is Enya, ‘The Celts’). It’s not an incredible song, but I like it and will listen to it. You see? I may like my death metal and all that, but I can still listen to some great cheese when I’m in the mood, just don’t show me Phil Collins, or I may commit murder and that’s just not good.

Dave Sharman: Evening, Mr. Coyne

Josh Coyne: How’s it going my man?

DS: Good thanks, ready for Friday?

JC: Is that when it is, yeah?

DS: Yeah.

JC: Christ, time files. Better get ready then.

DS: Are you looking forward to it?

JC: Yeah absolutely, it’s gonna be a great night. We’re well up for it.

DS: Guess it’s just another crowning achievement for a band who have come so far in the past year or so?

JC: Yeah, it’s been pretty fantastic really. Obviously we’ve got the EP, ‘The Beautiful Waste’ out which has had a great response so far. It’s still available to buy by the way.

DS: Shameless plug there.

JC: You don’t have to print it.

DS: True.

JC: We’re hoping to go back in the studio soon and record another EP, to be honest it’s just good to get something down in solid form that people can just listen to at home or wherever. I mean playing live is fantastic but we can’t be there for people every day of the week.

DS: It’s like your putting a little bit of Silent Devices into everyone’s soul.

JC: Yeah, but only if they buy the record.

DS: Back to the CAIRS Concert, any surprises planned?

JC: Actually, we’re looking at choreographing a few dances into our performance.

DS: Seriously?

JC: Well, a cartwheel’s a dance isn’t it?

DS: James Bond’s the theme for this year’s concert, it’s always been said that you bear a strong resemblance to Roger Moore. Any comment?

JC: I’d be a fool to deny it. Though I always thought I had more of a Sean Connery-ish quality to me.

DS: You mean wife beating sexist? [Editor's note: Connery denies everything, so 'alleged wife-beating sexist' would be more accurate.]
JC: That’s me in a nutshell.

Josh Coyne is the lead singer of Silent Devices.

Silent Devices’ MySpace page

Warning: The author of this review has been pronounced by the Gamers’ Psychiatric Association as a Fully Recovered Halo Addict. While he may no longer have cravings for playing first-person shooters all night, he may still have violent tendencies and n00b-pwning qualities to his playing.

… But in all seriousness: Up until playing Red Steel, I had not touched a first-person shooter in many months and had grown weary of them. Hopefully that will make this review a little less gamer-biased.

The story starts off with you on a date with your fiancé Miyu. Your main job here is her bodyguard, but she has proposed to you. Happy with the news, she goes to tell her father, who is promptly wounded by an attempted assassination. From here, your job is to protect her father Isao until you can safely exit the hotel you are staying in. One you are home free, the game continues as you try to rescue your kidnapped fiancé.

From when you first turn on the game, it’s obvious that the Wii controller plays a big part in the gameplay. From dragging and dropping game saves to load games, to being able to tilt your handgun for full gangster status; there are a lot of little details that really make you aware of how flexible the controller is. A few other things that are done with motion as opposed to button-bashing include opening doors with a push, reloading your gun, pulling levers, parrying sword attacks…

While all of this seems to be a mere novelty at first, after playing the game for a few hours, I started to realise the real benefit of this. I found myself doing much more ‘real’ actions such as pushing open a door while keeping cover, or instinctively pushing over a table to stay shielded.

Weapon controls are even more intuitive, using simple gestures like moving the controller closer to the screen to ‘zoom in’ down the sights of a gun. Firing the gun causes the controller to vibrate in kickback, and the speaker on the controller is used for the sound of gunfire and reloading.
But Red Steel is not just about guns - it’s also about swords. I’ll tell you now: you need fast reactions and good timing for sword fights. The game does a tremendous job of giving adrenaline rushes in both gun and sword fights. The Wii remote itself is used to slash with the sword, whereas the nunchuck in the left hand is used to parry (deflect) attacks.

Moving away from the little features, the game as a whole is tied together well with a running story line. Mid-level cut scenes don’t break from the first-person perspective, while more elaborate comic-style cut scenes make appearances between levels. While the mid-game scenes work well and play into the action, the others tend to be just a little too long. This is especially annoying when, say, you have to watch them more than once for whatever reason.
However, the voice acting balances it out. Just hearing the characters speak English lines in Hollywood-style Californian and Japanese accents is enough by itself to make it an entertaining game. My one concern is that in some situations, there is a distinct lack of sound bites for each character. I can only hear someone go “It’s just you and me now, pal!” and “There he is!” so many times before I go nuts.

The game’s AI (Artificial Intelligence) is of a good standard. Enemies will take cover and hide, retreat when their peers are being attacked, and even sneak up on you if they can. Not once has the AI been ‘buggy’ or messed up, as opposed to other games such as Call Of Duty 3 where enemies will regularly walk into walls and the like.
Unfortunately, the AI has one pitfall - triggers. Red Steel is one of those games where things will only happen if you do something specific, such as walk into an area or flip a switch. The fact that I can stand outside a doorway and be completely safe is a little stupid, considering that taking one more pace into the room will cause the enemies to go into ‘combat mode’ for no apparent reason. I would much prefer if the AI was more proactive to make you think on your feet.

On the subject of AI, the overall difficulty of the game ramps up nicely. If you’ve never played a first-person shooter before, Red Steel is a great first, starting off at a very slow pace. Now that I’m well into my 4th hour of actual gameplay (yes, it keeps track of time), only now can I honestly say it’s getting tough.

For those of you who care, the graphics are pretty good. Metal things are shiny, explosions look very movie-esque… but the one interesting effect is depth of field. If your health is low, a few things will happen: the sound of gunfire will start to die away, replaced with a heartbeat, and your vision will blur. While distant objects will be blurred, you can still see close objects (weapons etc.) sharply. I thought this was a welcome addition to the visuals of the game, and again helps build a sense of panic to make you go down guns blazing.

Getting into more technical aspects, the game stops about twice a ‘chapter’ to load the level. While there is a lot of ground covered between loadings, Call Of Duty 3 still holds the prize for the most expansive levels.

In general, I have found this game a blast to play. Through all it’s imperfections, I’m slowly playing Red Steel more and more because of its immersive gameplay and unique player experience.

All in all, I give this game an 8 out of 10. Darn good, but let down in a few simple areas. While it’s had its share of bad reviews and criticisms for being a ‘rushed game’, I heartily recommend this title — but you may want to rent before you buy.

If you have any further questions about the game that you think I missed, tell me in the comments and I’ll add them to the review! I haven’t completed the game yet, so there’s still more to be discovered.

Red Steel is published by Ubisoft for a retail price of £39.99. Rated 16+ for violence.

Find the best prices for Red Steel at Froogle to make sure you don’t get stiffed.

I may record some video as well soonish. If I do, I’ll edit and put it in here.

There was once a large fluffy Armadillo called Phil, he lived in the forest. He was a very sad Armadillo; he had no friends, no house and no face. Not having a face made life very hard for the Armadillo, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t see and he couldn’t eat (in the conventional sense anyway). He prayed to Allah every night that one day he may be given a face, not necessarily a nice one, he’d even settle for Carlos Tevez’s. He just wanted a face.

The sad thing is that Phil used to have a face, but when he was younger, he watched the film ‘Face/Off’ with his best mate at the time, the legendary wrestler, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The problem was that Phil was incredibly impressionable, even more so than a piece of clay or Rory Bremner. He watched ‘Face/Off’ and demanded that he and Stone Cold replicated it. Steve wasn’t entirely happy about re-inacting the surgical procedure and procrastinated in doing so for several weeks. But after he had run out of excuses and been to 8 nights of Phil Collins concerts just to hide from Phil! It was time.

Due to the Inter Armadillo-Human Censorship Act passed in 1607 I am forbidden to go into graphic detail, but basically, Steve got a piece of broken glass and lashed at Phil’s face. The face came off fine with no complications, but Phil had forgotten one thing, he didn’t know any other Armadillos and he didn’t have a face to put on! Quickly Steve tried to put Phil’s face back on, but Phil wouldn’t let him. Phil lashed out shouting, “Gnaaaraaaaaaaaaraaararaaa ho ho ho ho ho ho!” which translated into English means, “OOO isn’t the weather nice, I really fancy a Cornetto.” (By now you may well have guessed that Phil is not the ’sharpest tool in the box’ in fact he is more blunt than a piece of cheese…that’s been melted…and eaten…and excreted…in diarrhoea form.) Phil’s undying thirst for a Cornetto had jeopardised the safety of his face. Steve was getting more panicky and he soon went into catatonic shock. Phil didn’t know this as he could no longer see. So he sat there, his face becoming a huge scab and Steve lying on the floor.

Several hours, sorry days, passed before Phil realised something was wrong. He said quietly, “Steve?”, but Stone Cold gave no reply, he asked again, “Steve!?” But still no reply. He kicked Steve and still nothing happened. Phil started to panic and made strange Chewbacca like noises. “Gnaroodepooyloohoho AARGGGHHH LOLO Flange!” which translated means “Ouch my foot! That big bold bastard is made out of stone aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I have no face.” It was true, Steve was made out of stone (hence the reason he is called “Stone Cold”), he was made of a special type of stone, wood.

So as Steve lay on the floor, probably dead, Phil jumped around panicking like a pogo stick on speed, crashing and smashing everything around him. In the commotion he smashed a bottle of kerosene, and then he leant on a gas tap turning it on. Gas filled the room and Phil could hardly breathe. Without a face he couldn’t see where he was going. For some reason the gas was increasing the rate of his scabbery and soon his mouth was covered in scab. He couldn’t speak. For some reason he could still breathe, but he couldn’t speak. He ran around like a freshly decapitated chicken and in the kerfuffle, knocked over a bottle of brandy, a bucket full of oily rags and a highly flammable porcelain figurine of James Brown. The oil made the floor slippery, Phil fell over and as he stretched his arm out to stop his fall, he flicked the light switch on! BOOM! Up went the room. The spark from the switch combined with the gas caused an explosion equivalent to that of a T-Rex who has just eaten 59 Chicken Vindaloos and stuck a lighter next to his arse! Needless to say, Steve went up in flames, and being made of wood he never stood a chance. Phil was fine, his Armadillo shell and extra fluffyness made him impervious to fire. He probably could of saved Steve, but he couldn’t see and he really wanted that Cornetto.

Sad and alone, Phil wandered the streets, no direction, he just wandred. People pushed him, people laughed, people even poked him in the face with sticks. The Phil I knew and loved was dead. The sadness and depression quickly turned to anger and this started a new breed of terror.

Every night from then on, Phil would run around with a large pitchfork shouting “Eid Eid Eid Gnaar WOO Loopeydoo Hello Dave!!!” Which translated is “Kill Kill Kill GIVE ME CORNETTO, Hello Dave.” He massacred anything that came with four cubic metres of him, poking them, well more stabbing them in the face, like they had done to him. Occasionally, when he found a Cornetto he would sit down and ‘eat’ it but that would soon be followed by the mastication of Magnums; his enemy, for it was the Magnum who killed his parents. Not having a face meant that he could no longer see his enemy so he was no longer fearful of their power. Every year they would transform into some new type of Magnum, a new evil, a new way of killing what fluffy Armadillos there were left. It was Phil’s mission to kill the Magnums, but he had gone made with wretchedness and had taken out his aggression on the humans.

After weeks and months of slaughtering, people started to understandably get a bit fed up. They didn’t know what to do; fluffy Armadillos are flame retardant, nuclear bomb proof and can even withstand the evilness that is PHIL COLLINS! This was the chance for the Magnums to initiate their devious plan. They would rid the people of poor Phil. And they did. Now they are seen as heroes, the Cornettos who Phil represented don’t get a look in. They are now shoved to the back of the fridge, waiting for the chance of freedom, a chance to be taken out of their clothing and take the mythical journey down the digestive system of a human. The Magnums rule now and there is nothing Phil can do about it.

So there he sat, sad and alone. Still praying to Allah and still trying to find a way to get rid of the curse of the Magnum. One day he would, and on that day he would be one that is seen as a hero, he would be the one who can get a face transplant and he would be the one who will eat a massive Cornetto. The Magnums may have won the battle, but they haven’t won the war!

The definition of feminism varies depending on the eye of the beholder. For example, in the eye of a feminist it is a way of trying to find equality or even control in a society that has for so long, been controlled by men. Views and opinions vary over the spectrum of gender, socio economic background and age.
One of the major turning points in the growth of feminism was the women’s suffragette movement around World War I. Thanks to this group’s efforts, women can now vote and are more equal in society; before then, it was only men who could vote. As well as getting the vote, women also benefited from both the first and second world war (if that is possible): as the men were off fighting, the women had to take on the role of working where the men would have before. This showed that women COULD do what the men do and work just as well, if not better.
However, when the men came back, women were encouraged to go back to being good mothers and competing with their neighbours to see who has the best kept house. This idea is called the feminine-mystique. Even today this idea exists, just in a more commercialist way; magazines like Cosmopolitan and Vogue will frequently show ways of being the best ‘woman’ possible by purchasing this t-shirt and that bag and this pair shoes or by going on this holiday. Obviously any suggested item to improve social standard is in no way influenced by whoever is paying them to advertise. It is clearly just an unbiased opinion given by the fine journalists at these fine magazines.
Most people would agree that feminism over the last hundred years has been a good thing, even if they only agree with economics in mind; if there had been no feminism then there would be fewer people in work and as a result there would be less spending which would mean Gross Domestic Product would be down considerably. If there had been no feminism then women would still be serving men and society would have progressed very little since the days of gas lamps and corporal punishment. However some now feel that men are being hard done by as there are very few positive representations of the male gender. Role models such as David Beckham are apparently intellectually challenged and people like Robbie Williams seem to convey that men get their penis out every five minutes and use it to scare girls. Although the media is controlled mainly by men, there is a definite feeling that for a man to be conveyed in a positive light will result in insulting women, although most women won’t care as they want equality and can see that for them to be equal, men must be as well. The negative representation of men is not helped by some feminists who see the problem of inequality as too severe. An economist may say that, ‘ok the gap in wages between men and women is unacceptable, but it is decreasing and eventually it will be equal.’
Also many feminists may have shot themselves in the foot as by being so ridiculous and hyperbolising (coined) everything, they have lost all credibility and their arguments and views no longer have any place in society.

As the philosopher David Sharman said:

‘I feel that men and women should of course be treated as equals but there are certain parts of life, i.e. certain occupations, which are better suited to one gender or the other. That’s not to say that the opposite gender to what is traditionally accepted in those area should not attempt role reversal but it is necessary to also point out biological differences when such matters are in concern.’

In conclusion I would say that feminism is a movement that has been instrumental in the fight for equality but has now lost its way and its purpose. In the feminist drive for equal rights, they have also lost out as they still have to do many of the jobs that they did before e.g. cleaning, washing, looking after the kids et cetera. This is itself unfair but at the same time the modern man is becoming more and more feminine so eventually (I believe) some sort of equality will be reached, it’s just a question of when…