Many of our parents, however, are still getting to grips with using Excel and emailing, let alone comprehending why we’re so adamant we can’t go near Internet Explorer.

Some people like to divide the world into two categories – those who can, and those who can’t. Some call them Passionates and Non-Passionates*, some call them simply ‘them‘ (that works both ways) and some like to exploit the other.

Take, for example, the flashy monitor we had last year. By flashy I don’t mean suave, sophisticated or a bit of a show-off; I mean that it was black, then white, then black, then white, then black, then showing signs of Windows XP for all of a few seconds, then black… The problem was the monitor. How do I know? I just know, ok! If that’s not enough of a reason, the computer was working fine, and I could input whilst the monitor was flashing (although not without a headache). My mother, in a fit of hysteria, and without my advice, took the issue to the computer shop, where the problem was diagnosed and a prognosis given.
Your hard drive is shot, you need a new one.
My mother, running her own business, would like to have the files transferred to the new hard drive from the old one. It’s been done before.
Impossible.
So my mother shells out for a new hard drive. All our files are lost; not a tragedy, I’ll admit, since we back them all up, but a nuisance. Just imagine her frustration when, all shiny hard drived up, the monitor keeps flashing.

The point of this story, is that I would not have been taken in by this blasted computer man. I would have borrowed a monitor from a friend, replaced my flashy one and confirmed that the monitor was at fault. I would then have bought a new monitor (something we did a few months later and – wow! – we’re back in business) and retained all my lovely files and settings.
But my mother isn’t me, and she trusts that this chap has more knowledge than she does, and takes him at his word. Something that 70%** of other 40-something people would have done.

Now, I cannot understand why people have trouble attaching documents to emails, printing photographs, or copying files to CD. I really cannot, as it is the simplest thing in the world to me. But that doesn’t give anyone the right to exploit those people who don’t find it obvious – whether they’re Non-Passionates, Normals, Non-Geeks, or a miriad of other labels.

None of this, however, makes it any more forgivable for a middle-aged woman to declare that she ‘just can’t email’ and expect it to be accepted… Meet us half way, people!

*Which I think is a little unfair, don’t you?
**Not a real statistic…

I am currently listening to ‘Time as Commodity’ by Buried Inside. It’s not the best song on the album but then again the album is made up of one song segmented into 11 different tracks, (Introduction, Time as Ideology, Time as Methodology, Time as Surrogate Religion, Time as Imperialism, Reintroduction, Time as Abjection, Time as Automation, Time as Commodity and Time as Resistance). Needless to say the album is about ‘Time’ and whether it exists or not and how it does and doesn’t exist in different walks of life. But the point I am trying to make is that Buried Inside have created this album (Chronoclast) with the view of making a point, teaching the world something, expressing themselves; but most of all not being sucked into the trap of being a mainstream bag of dog turd that produces reconstituted, low level crap that, quite frankly, could have created by a monkey with learning disabilities. The song has now changed and it’s a short one so I must therefore make this paragraph snappy! The song that has come on is one by a band called ‘Unearth’ and it’s called FALSE IDOLS. The name was not in capitals on the album sleeve and nor was it on my tunes, I just decided to put them in capitals as that is was a lot of the musical ‘idols’ of today are; false. Look at Robbie Williams for example, how many songs do you reckon he as actually written himself? (Reflexive Pronoun according to Spell Check) How many songs has he grafted over, sweated over, cried over? My estimate would be around a nice big 0. Next song: System of a Down, ‘Chop Suey’, a strange band but a very popular song that made it quite successfully into the mainstream. Now don’t get me wrong the mainstream isn’t all bad; some of my favourite bands are pretty mass market; the likes of Slipknot, Killswitch Engage and The Arctic Monkeys can hardly say they are underground any more, but the difference is they have musical credibility. This song currently has a strings part going on which is a nice contrast to that of the rock background; this texture clash is something that I feel that the likes of ‘Girls Aloud’ or ‘Avenged Sevenfold’ would struggle to understand: can’t be seen as different now can we? ‘Metallica’! Sell outs? Yes! Do I care? NO. They have done enough in the many years of being a band so to be quite honest I don’t care about the fact that they have now become a product, a business, a company, a multinational, a ‘whatever else you want to call them’. They created half the bands I listen to, half the bands you listen to and half the bands that everyone listens to so I couldn’t care if they came round my house and ate all the food, they gave me enjoyment, I should give them some. Ahhh, ‘Blur’ part of the Britpop era; a period that produced some brilliant songs, some average ones and some songs that are best of being buried when Phil Collins decides to die. Without doubt, Blur are one of Britain’s most iconic bands and personally I can say I prefer them to Oasis. I believe that Noel Gallagher is one of the greatest song writers ever, but being a fan of the world of ‘interesting’ music I prefer Blur as they are by far and away more ‘interesting’. Killswitch Engage: ‘Brilliant’. One of the few bands that continuously grab me by the balls. Their albums are solid, they have epicity (to be epic) of the highest degree and their live show is fantastically funny. I haven’t to this day heard a KsE song that makes me want to leave the room. KsE are a band that all should be able to ‘Inhale’ from the moment that Darkness falls to the moment Daylight days, they are for you, for me for everyone. They are mainstream, but they haven’t sold out before their time, they haven’t started playing Metallica rips offs and they most certainly haven’t written songs that have the lyrics ‘Wooaooahaoo’. (Trivium) Codeseven are a band that I know very little about. After hearing the two songs ‘Lights’ and ‘How many miles to Babylon’ I was very impressed, then I heard ‘The Rescue’ which was less brutal, frantic or loud but was still technically quite good and was very catchy. But then I heard the song I have on now which I like very much (the song in question is ‘Alt. Wave’), a quiet, Indyesque, quite ambient song that is miles away from the thrash style of the earlier songs. However, although I liked the song, I was not impressed that ‘Codeseven’ had ditched their Hardcore roots and had made a drastic transition to the more mainstream Indy style. Why? I don’t know but I have a feeling that it may have something to with either money or record deal. But still if they are producing good music then who cares. Trivium produced some good stuff on ‘Ascendancy’, ‘Lostprophets’ produced some amazing music on ‘The fake sounds of progress’ but then they turned into, well, bollocks really. Give me the option of listening to the ‘Wooaooahaoo’ song by Trivium (namely the anthem) or pull each of my teeth out with a kipper and I know what I would prefer to do. Mastodon are a strange band, on strange label; Relapse Records, are famous for signing bands that are weird, wacky and wonderful. Some of my favourite bands come from Relapse; ‘The Dillinger Escape Plan’ is just on of them, an extremely violent mix of hardcore, thrash, ambience and jazz. Without doubt the two aforementioned bands are the most mainstream on Relapse. (Bands such as ‘RUMPELSTILTSKIN GRINDER’ and ‘Agoraphobic Nosebleed’) Mastodon is definitely part of the musical genre ‘interesting’ but they most certainly are not alone. The song has now changed to another Relapse records band called ‘Dysrhythmia’ who (if you didn’t know) are a ‘progressive, instrumental, jazz, funk metal band’. Again they are without doubt one of my favourite bands. Another great sign that the underground produces some amazing, if strange music that doesn’t get the attention it deserves. For the first time in this music-influenced article I have selected the song. This song (Elegy) and this band is one of my favourite pieces of art and one of my favourite groups of artists, ever. It really does ‘grab me by the balls’, it sounds like Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu and Leonardo Da Vinci have got together, had sex and nine months later out popped ‘Becoming the Archetype’. Managing to merge, classical, guitar, black metal, thrash metal, piano, church organs and a ridiculous amount of blast beats, they have created something that sounds likegod. The song is still going, but has now gone from the ferocious blast beats and roaring of ‘War is the path that leads to destruction’ to the quite celestial piano. I struggle to type this as I am so overwhelmed by what I am hearing. Becoming the Archetype is a band that very few people have heard of. They are underground; a Christian Metalcore band that shouldn’t be underground. This is one band that I don’t want to be left downstairs, I don’t want them to be heard only be the weirdoes like myself who traipse around the internet and shops to find good music that no one has ever heard of before. It is for the good of the world that Becoming the Archetype are heard by all so that everyone can have the opportunity to experience the godliness of this great band. ‘Elegy’ has just finished, it was eleven minutes and 14 seconds of pure brilliancein a bag. The album ‘Terminate Damnation’ is also of this fantastical calibre. Varying from classical guitar to pure thrash, this album has something for everyone who has half a brain. Becoming the Archetype are without doubt, the Archetypical band that really could shape the music of the future just like Led Zeppelin, Muddy Waters, The Beatles, Johnny Cash, Black Sabbath, Metallica, Radiohead, Nirvana, Slipknot, and One True Voice did before them. (Ha! One True Voice, showing that manufactured bands DO work). I feel now that I can no longer put another song on that will match the brilliance of ‘Elegy’. There are very few songs in my opinion that can match the ferocity, the subtlety, the kind evilness, the quiet loudness and the progressive simplicity of ‘Elegy’ so for this ‘creative session’ I will cease. Unless a new song comes on that is everything that ‘Elegy’ is and more. Let’s see [He clicks on iTunes, he presses next (current song is '4th Grade Dropout' by 'The Dillinger Escape Plan'] the next song is Enya, ‘The Celts’). It’s not an incredible song, but I like it and will listen to it. You see? I may like my death metal and all that, but I can still listen to some great cheese when I’m in the mood, just don’t show me Phil Collins, or I may commit murder and that’s just not good.

Dave Sharman: Evening, Mr. Coyne

Josh Coyne: How’s it going my man?

DS: Good thanks, ready for Friday?

JC: Is that when it is, yeah?

DS: Yeah.

JC: Christ, time files. Better get ready then.

DS: Are you looking forward to it?

JC: Yeah absolutely, it’s gonna be a great night. We’re well up for it.

DS: Guess it’s just another crowning achievement for a band who have come so far in the past year or so?

JC: Yeah, it’s been pretty fantastic really. Obviously we’ve got the EP, ‘The Beautiful Waste’ out which has had a great response so far. It’s still available to buy by the way.

DS: Shameless plug there.

JC: You don’t have to print it.

DS: True.

JC: We’re hoping to go back in the studio soon and record another EP, to be honest it’s just good to get something down in solid form that people can just listen to at home or wherever. I mean playing live is fantastic but we can’t be there for people every day of the week.

DS: It’s like your putting a little bit of Silent Devices into everyone’s soul.

JC: Yeah, but only if they buy the record.

DS: Back to the CAIRS Concert, any surprises planned?

JC: Actually, we’re looking at choreographing a few dances into our performance.

DS: Seriously?

JC: Well, a cartwheel’s a dance isn’t it?

DS: James Bond’s the theme for this year’s concert, it’s always been said that you bear a strong resemblance to Roger Moore. Any comment?

JC: I’d be a fool to deny it. Though I always thought I had more of a Sean Connery-ish quality to me.

DS: You mean wife beating sexist? [Editor's note: Connery denies everything, so 'alleged wife-beating sexist' would be more accurate.]
JC: That’s me in a nutshell.

Josh Coyne is the lead singer of Silent Devices.

Silent Devices’ MySpace page

The definition of feminism varies depending on the eye of the beholder. For example, in the eye of a feminist it is a way of trying to find equality or even control in a society that has for so long, been controlled by men. Views and opinions vary over the spectrum of gender, socio economic background and age.
One of the major turning points in the growth of feminism was the women’s suffragette movement around World War I. Thanks to this group’s efforts, women can now vote and are more equal in society; before then, it was only men who could vote. As well as getting the vote, women also benefited from both the first and second world war (if that is possible): as the men were off fighting, the women had to take on the role of working where the men would have before. This showed that women COULD do what the men do and work just as well, if not better.
However, when the men came back, women were encouraged to go back to being good mothers and competing with their neighbours to see who has the best kept house. This idea is called the feminine-mystique. Even today this idea exists, just in a more commercialist way; magazines like Cosmopolitan and Vogue will frequently show ways of being the best ‘woman’ possible by purchasing this t-shirt and that bag and this pair shoes or by going on this holiday. Obviously any suggested item to improve social standard is in no way influenced by whoever is paying them to advertise. It is clearly just an unbiased opinion given by the fine journalists at these fine magazines.
Most people would agree that feminism over the last hundred years has been a good thing, even if they only agree with economics in mind; if there had been no feminism then there would be fewer people in work and as a result there would be less spending which would mean Gross Domestic Product would be down considerably. If there had been no feminism then women would still be serving men and society would have progressed very little since the days of gas lamps and corporal punishment. However some now feel that men are being hard done by as there are very few positive representations of the male gender. Role models such as David Beckham are apparently intellectually challenged and people like Robbie Williams seem to convey that men get their penis out every five minutes and use it to scare girls. Although the media is controlled mainly by men, there is a definite feeling that for a man to be conveyed in a positive light will result in insulting women, although most women won’t care as they want equality and can see that for them to be equal, men must be as well. The negative representation of men is not helped by some feminists who see the problem of inequality as too severe. An economist may say that, ‘ok the gap in wages between men and women is unacceptable, but it is decreasing and eventually it will be equal.’
Also many feminists may have shot themselves in the foot as by being so ridiculous and hyperbolising (coined) everything, they have lost all credibility and their arguments and views no longer have any place in society.

As the philosopher David Sharman said:

‘I feel that men and women should of course be treated as equals but there are certain parts of life, i.e. certain occupations, which are better suited to one gender or the other. That’s not to say that the opposite gender to what is traditionally accepted in those area should not attempt role reversal but it is necessary to also point out biological differences when such matters are in concern.’

In conclusion I would say that feminism is a movement that has been instrumental in the fight for equality but has now lost its way and its purpose. In the feminist drive for equal rights, they have also lost out as they still have to do many of the jobs that they did before e.g. cleaning, washing, looking after the kids et cetera. This is itself unfair but at the same time the modern man is becoming more and more feminine so eventually (I believe) some sort of equality will be reached, it’s just a question of when…

There is no doubt that in the age of the internet, American culture is having an impact on those of us living on the right side of the pond more than ever, and with it comes the awful trend towards bastardisation of the language which was so wonderfully crafted by English speaking peoples before the age of colonialism.

Such linguistic terrorism can even be found within the walls of good old Bob Smith itself. We have the ‘Studyzone’. What on earth was wrong with the term ‘library’? Definitively correct and to the point, ‘library’ makes me aware that I am entering a library. On the other hand, ‘Studyzone’ implies some kind of intergalactic mysticism found only in theme parks or films. Is a such a highly decorative term used in order to entice the kind of Marlboro smoking, Burberry loving 50-Cent appreciators who frequent the embankment down by the football pitches of a lunchtime into its confines? Because if so, such a moronic rebranding has failed as spectacularly as Republican foreign policy.

Such blatant Las Vegas-isms as ‘Studyzone’ seek only to alienate the idea that its main purpose is to enhance the learning of those who use its facilities, which in a school of all places is somewhat ironic.

Now, with the recent opening of the ‘Payzone’, what will be next to be swallowed mercilessly by such dictionary defying idiocy. Maybe the ‘Robert H. Smyth Jnr. III Learnzone sponsored by Pepsi’ is seen as a feasible alternative to the current school name by the powers that be?
Surely such lexical treachery, which bears resemblances to Orwellian newspeak, can no longer be used in a place where people are supposed to be taught proper English?

Thanks America, you can keep your Superbowl, I’ll keep my language.

It was all over in a few seconds, two young men had become highly frustrated at the lack of progress being made by students moving from lesson to tutor group and, forced together by the onslaught of the crowd from all directions, had engaged in combat, aiming for each other while bemused onlookers tried to grasp what was happening. This was an accident waiting to happen, with so many crammed into such a confined area at one time as happens on a daily basis at this particular place within the school building, tensions were bound to overspill into blind, ugly fistfighting sooner or later. Though how has the problem been allowed to grow in such a fashion as to lead to the kind of violence usually only seen in places such as Kabul, Baghdad or Corby?
The simple answer is, lack of respect and courtesy for others. I could walk along by the junction of the link corridor and the passage leading to the Sixth Form Centre at any given time of the day between two lessons, and be totally and utterly crushed through a combination of overcrowding, overly hasty students, or just sheer bad manners.
Is it really too much to ask that people show a little courtesy at busy times when everyone is attempting to traverse from one area of the school to another? After all, we are British. We spend 68% of our lives queueing (probably).
Efforts were made last year to encourage people to stay on the stay on the left of corridor while using them. A sensible idea in my eyes, and no doubt in the eyes of many others too. However, the poster campaign used to promote this failed spectacularly when it became apparent that both students and teachers alike were ignoring the signs, thus disproving the theory that people will do whatever a sign tells them to.
Now, we find ourselves as a school back at square one, with movements between rooms for everyone being about as easy as getting a Scotsman to believe that drunken violence isn’t the answer to all of life’s problems.
So, I implore those of you who read this, show a little respect the next time you stroll down the hallowed corridors of Robert Smyth School, and you never know, you might be shown a little respect in return.

On a lighter note, having been rapped on the knuckles last week for various journalistic misunderstandings, in the course of said rapping I was delighted to learn that RS Magazine is in fact read and taken seriously by members of staff. What an endorsement to this publication and those who write for it.

The Neck, something to keep your head on, something to make you taller, something to make it so you can bend that little bit more, something to hang stuff on and most important of all, something to put food and drink down. Now there are many instances where things are used for something other than there primary purpose (or purposes (if its one of those 300 in 1 JML Mega Knifes)); the bin bag, used for waste and if you lose all your shoes, the bin bag offers a great cheap, but not very durable alternative. However, the bag can also be used as a means of suicide which is not good for anyone (excluding the person who wants to kill themselves)…obviously. So why is it that everyday, of every week for the last two years, my Neck has been used as a means of shoving the word ‘university’ down?
What annoys me even more is that I am not alone. Everyone is in the same boat, which is another problem of our education system. Everyone does the same exams, which are constructed so everyone has to right (yes I am aware that’s not ‘write’) the same thing in order to be the ‘best’. There is very little room for your own insight, abstract views or just saying ‘f**k it I want to write about how Jurassic Park is linked with the work of Coleridge in that ‘life will find a way.
One would presume that university is the place where you can do that sort of thing, my brother for instance, for his dissertation he intends to critique someone’s work using their own critique. But with 99.8% percent of people I speak to saying that I should go to university, surely that just homogenises the whole thing and I’d be back to where I was before I went?
As a result of all this homogenisation and almost propaganda like advertising of university, I am in a state of limbo. If I go to university, I don’t know if I am pleasing myself or everyone else and if I don’t go will I let people down? Also, I’ve been so focused on going to university (not out of choice) that I haven’t made any plans for me not going. So for the last week I’ve been trying to come up with ingenious business ideas, working out what jobs I can get and looking into just packing my bags and going somewhere where everyone is so poor that universities don’t exist. I hear Swaziland and Bolivia are nice this time of year. If I went to these poor places, maybe I’d get a kick up the arse, maybe I’d be able to kick them up the arse or maybe there would be no arse kicking at all.
Perhaps I should do a SWOT analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats) of university?
The strengths: new friends, an experience? independence, and at the end of it all a nice degree to wave at employees (the same degree to wave as everyone else?).
The weaknesses: Debt, Debt, Debt, at least 3 more years of education on top of the 13 I’ve already done, leaving current friends, independence and doing all that work for a piece of paper and the chance to wear a stupid hat at graduation.
The opportunities: Higher level of employability? Better chance of a higher income?
The threats: Dropping out, failing, doing it all but not enjoying and perhaps the worst of all doing it all and really enjoying it all but then end up in a job that I don’t want to do, forever trapped in a, satisfactory, sufficient and ‘suitable’ life.
Now for the conclusion of my SWOT analysis; all the strengths seem indefinite whereas the weaknesses seem like they are going to happen. The opportunities don’t seem to interest me and the threats scare me if anything. Without doubt, I feel that the experience weighs heavier than anything else, but what is the experience going to be like? Will it be like an extra strong cider drinking session in some horrible pub where everyone has three eyes and no gums; brilliant to start with but after 4 or 5 pints you start dancing with some inbred and start a fight a with the bouncer, losing your teeth, spending a night in hospital and then to add insult to injury, a hang over in the morning? Or will it be like going down the local Wetherspoons, good people, brilliant prices, half decent beer and no negativity at all.
The only conclusion I can some up with is that I don’t have a conclusion. I’ve been so blinded by the apparent ‘good’ stuff I have ignored the flip side. Two years of people using my Neck as a trashcan for their university posters, magazines and other marketing tools has put me in tunnel vision mode. The train I have been on has been going to university, but I have now looked out the window and am unsure of what I want. Are the other stations more plentiful or will they conjure up the same thing? All I can say at the moment is LEAVE MY NECK ALONE!

Around cricket squares there is normally a rope (for health and safety reasons). The council was saying we had to take this down (well that’s what I thought, it was in fact the poles) so I wrote this letter in a fury of hatred and anger. When looking back on it, I can see it not only gets my point across, but it’s relatively stupid! By the way this had to be read out at the parish council meeting! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Dear Chairman
On Sunday morning I went, like many others in the village, to the remembrance parade. As usual it was a respectful, thoughtful and meaningful event; I enjoyed attending it and recognising the bravery of the man and women before me who have given me the opportunity to be free. Sadly, this was the end of the positive feeling in that morning and for some of that day. Why? Had I lost my wallet? No. Had I read an article about a beaver losing its mother? No. The thing that had made me sad, angry, fed up, annoyed, irritated, frustrated, aggravated, exasperated and generally ‘not in a good mood’…was you, the parish council.

After the parade; I walked to the recreation ground where I was going to have a drink at the clubhouse with my Grandmother and Father; on the way, I was rather annoyed by what I was told.

As I walked by your parish council ‘office’, which by the way (the next comment is completely tangential) something that would be far more appreciated if it were something like a chip shop where people could actually use it; the council ‘office’ seems to be something which only about four people have permission to use, provided they like wasting space which could be used for something for the VILLAGE. So, as I walked by the ‘office’ I was told by my Father, that you had informed the Cricket Club that the ropes had to be taken down as people who walk right through the middle of the park when its pitch black might walk into them and as a result fall over and break every bone in their bodies! OK, I have completely over exaggerated, but the point is clear: no one has ever walked into the ropes and reported it to anyone because they haven’t been hurt. In fact there is more than one part to the point, perhaps no one has ever complained because they realise that the ropes there are part of the village; if someone walked into the Post Office, they are unlikely to complain to anyone as they know it is there just like they would with the ropes.

Health and Safety is an ever-growing importance in many walks of life, especially with the quite ludicrous ‘sue culture’ of today. I work in The Old Greyhound and I have to abide by many health and safety regulations; I cannot serve a drink in the same glass, I cannot eat or drink behind the bar and I have to wash my hands regularly. There is nothing wrong with health and safety regulations as long as they are needed. Therefore I am sad to report that your ‘rope ban’ is about as needed as a spider is to a person with arachnophobia. If there have been many incidents of people hurting themselves on the ropes then perhaps you should impose this ‘ban’ but I know for a fact that in the seventeen years of me living here and in the ten years that I have been part of the Cricket and Football club, there has been no incidents that I can tell you about and I’m sure you have very few if none that you can tell me about. Health and safety is also (not surprisingly) about making sure things are safe and good for our health, so why then should I be forced to play on a wicket that would have even more punishment from the juvenile delinquents of the village? Why should I have to worry about getting hit in the face by a ball the rears up at a ninety degree angle? Why, as a bowler, should I have to worry that if I bowl a good ball, it may injure batsmen? And why as Sunday Captain should I have to worry that the name of Great Glen cricket club is going to be tarnished due to bad wickets, injuries and poor quality games? The ropes are there for a reason: to ensure the safety of cricketers, people play cricket for a reason: to socialise in a constructive and good natured way, why do they do this? So the youngsters that make up the tomorrow don’t turn into graffiti wielding, anti social vandals. (It seems clear in the past few weeks that thanks to the ridiculous amount of delays on the new facility for the Cricket and Football Club, you have sadly produced a generation of the aforementioned).

I apologise for the tone of this letter and if I have insulted I am sorry but quite frankly I feel insulted by the lack of foresight, realism and common sense used by the Great Glen Parish Council. I love living in Great Glen, but if this is the direction of it for the future then I would prefer to live somewhere else, without the lethargic, politically correct and ridiculous attitude that you seem to have adopted. Hopefully, I will be attending a meeting soon so I can articulate my views to you directly.

Yours faithfully
Daniel Gee

P.S I liked the way the graffiti next to the parish council office was cleared up almost instantly while other parts of the village were left tattooed for nearly a week, care to explain?

(The council have now given the cricket club the option of new poles which are even more dangerous! (We have taken these poles!) Just shows you that although they have good intent, the council is too old and full of red tape rubbish! If someone younger and more forward-minded was on the council, this entire incident could have been avoided!)

Christmas is upon us and instead of eating the traditional dry turkey I shall be cooking up a nice and spicy Turkey Madras. Why? Because everyone complains about turkey, everyone says it’s too dry and everyone says it has no flavour. These are all true things that have forced me to take this drastic action in boycotting the traditional turkey dish and going for something with flavour.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas, I love the togetherness, the presents, the drinking, the laughter and the fact that it is an excuse for my family to have a game of cricket before dinner-this being a Gee household family tradition- which will no doubt end in us damaging the garden. But surely we are damaging our taste buds by eating this dry monstrosity. Traditions are all well and good but only if you enjoy them (and they don’t involve a load of stuck up gits going round in stupid clothes killing foxes to ‘thin down their numbers’).

People always complain about the traditional turkey dish, but no one ever uses the common sense to not eat it. We don’t buy food that we don’t like normally so why start doing it at Christmas? Is there a god that needs appeasing so we must sacrifice all these Turkeys? Are we unable to contain ourselves when we see hundreds of offers for cheap Turkeys? Or are we just to scared to anything different? I think the latter is the most likely.

Sticking your hand up a dead turkey’s arse and fishing bits out only to stick more junk back in. That is not only a pointless exercise but it also one that has the appeal of a dog pulling out everyone of my pubic hairs with its teeth. Why anyone in their right mind would want to do that to a turkey is beyond me. Okay there is the frozen alternative, but then that means that while you keep the massive thing in you freezer, everything else has to either melt or just be consumed in a frenzied five minute eating spell.
Then there are the sandwiches; you brought enough turkey to feed five people…for thirteen days. Great. What do you do with this surplus turkey? Feed it to the cat? Throw it away? Offer it to the neighbours? No, you eat it. For the rest of the Christmas period you are forced to consume turkey sandwiches, turkey on toast, turkey salad and perhaps the most farcical of all, Turkey Surprise (bits of turkey, garnished with turkey). And I am not alone in my negativity towards the use of this surplus turkey. Everyone that has taste buds will no doubt be saying to themselves over the Christmas period, “what have I done for god to make me eat this much turkey?” But once again the people of this country decide that they will just bare it. Luckily I have decided not endure this turkey orientated torture any more.

If everyone in this country revolted against the turkey gods and decided that they were going to boycott the dry beast, then what is the worse that can happen? When the turkey farmers struggle, other businesses will do well. There you go: replacement jobs from these other booming businesses. If I boycott turkey, my Christmas will be a more flavoursome time. If I boycott the humongous turkey and go for a smaller option, I won’t be punished by the surplus and if we boycott turkey the world will certainly not have to worry about having a dry mouth again. So join me in my fight against the evil turkey gods and instead of moaning about turkey, eliminate it!

Or what about water that’s safe to drink? What about textbooks to aid your education? What about essential medicines?

In Britain we take these things for granted. But for people in third world countries, these items are desperately needed. For example, clean water. More than 25,000 people die every day as a result of water-borne diseases. Treatable illnesses, such as pneumonia, malaria, diarrhoea and malnutrition can become life-threatening when combined with poverty, poor sanitation and inadequate health care. Of the 57 million people worldwide who died last year, 10.5 million of them were children less than five years old. The majority of these children — some 98 percent — were in developing nations.

Around this time every year I’m sure that you, like others, will feel pangs of guilt when you’re opening presents in your stocking, or sitting down to the traditional Christmas feast. Maybe you’re one of the people who does something about it…or maybe you’re not. If the latter is the case, perhaps that you feels that this is your year to make a difference.

At Oxfam, a new campaign has been launched called “Oxfam Unwrapped.” Pick up a catalogue today, and you’ll find lots of “famously funusual gifts”; from toilets to a market stall, or an emergency shelter or a teacher’s kit. Alternatively, clean water would make a great gift; with water filters, taps stands and tanks to supply water to up to 1,000, there is a gift you could give to someone to save lives.

In school, several tutor groups have been raising money for the campaign, with an outbreak of sponsored waxings, silences, car washing and collecting.
Once you’ve chosen your gift, choose a gift card. Then order online, by post, telephone or in an Oxfam shop. You will receive a fridge magnet and card describing your gift, which will go where it’s needed the most!

So if you can’t think of anything to get your parents this year, how about spending that money on getting a gift that will contribute towards eradicating poverty and suffering? It could save lives.

Find out more about Oxfam’s Christmas Unwrapped campaign.

Happy Christmas.