Curry for Crimbo!
I’m fed up with turkey!
Christmas is upon us and instead of eating the traditional dry turkey I shall be cooking up a nice and spicy Turkey Madras. Why? Because everyone complains about turkey, everyone says it’s too dry and everyone says it has no flavour. These are all true things that have forced me to take this drastic action in boycotting the traditional turkey dish and going for something with flavour.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas, I love the togetherness, the presents, the drinking, the laughter and the fact that it is an excuse for my family to have a game of cricket before dinner-this being a Gee household family tradition- which will no doubt end in us damaging the garden. But surely we are damaging our taste buds by eating this dry monstrosity. Traditions are all well and good but only if you enjoy them (and they don’t involve a load of stuck up gits going round in stupid clothes killing foxes to ‘thin down their numbers’).
People always complain about the traditional turkey dish, but no one ever uses the common sense to not eat it. We don’t buy food that we don’t like normally so why start doing it at Christmas? Is there a god that needs appeasing so we must sacrifice all these Turkeys? Are we unable to contain ourselves when we see hundreds of offers for cheap Turkeys? Or are we just to scared to anything different? I think the latter is the most likely.
Sticking your hand up a dead turkey’s arse and fishing bits out only to stick more junk back in. That is not only a pointless exercise but it also one that has the appeal of a dog pulling out everyone of my pubic hairs with its teeth. Why anyone in their right mind would want to do that to a turkey is beyond me. Okay there is the frozen alternative, but then that means that while you keep the massive thing in you freezer, everything else has to either melt or just be consumed in a frenzied five minute eating spell.
Then there are the sandwiches; you brought enough turkey to feed five people…for thirteen days. Great. What do you do with this surplus turkey? Feed it to the cat? Throw it away? Offer it to the neighbours? No, you eat it. For the rest of the Christmas period you are forced to consume turkey sandwiches, turkey on toast, turkey salad and perhaps the most farcical of all, Turkey Surprise (bits of turkey, garnished with turkey). And I am not alone in my negativity towards the use of this surplus turkey. Everyone that has taste buds will no doubt be saying to themselves over the Christmas period, “what have I done for god to make me eat this much turkey?†But once again the people of this country decide that they will just bare it. Luckily I have decided not endure this turkey orientated torture any more.
If everyone in this country revolted against the turkey gods and decided that they were going to boycott the dry beast, then what is the worse that can happen? When the turkey farmers struggle, other businesses will do well. There you go: replacement jobs from these other booming businesses. If I boycott turkey, my Christmas will be a more flavoursome time. If I boycott the humongous turkey and go for a smaller option, I won’t be punished by the surplus and if we boycott turkey the world will certainly not have to worry about having a dry mouth again. So join me in my fight against the evil turkey gods and instead of moaning about turkey, eliminate it!
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Turkeys are quite nice with a little cranberry sauce.
Though I must now discuss my darker purpose. Such graphic imagery has not place in literature. The thought of words like ‘dog’ and ‘teeth’ being used in the context of an article relating to dry meat just sickens me to the stomach.
Would the editors ensure that such words, not fit for publication, are disused in future by such vile and sleazy journalists as thw writer who goes under the pseudonym ‘Gee’.
Thankyou.
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lol?