Fights!
SEX! That caught you’re attention now read this… and vote!
BATTLES OF MASS DESTRUCTION
I started writing a piece about a flock of ninja squid in a fight with two highly trained battle beavers (as you do) and I realised that to limit it to just these two warlords was a travesty! So I decided to open it up to you, the public; the fine people of this great land as to who would win in these two fights of epic proportions (more fights will follow). For each fight I will draw on my expertise and give information on the participants and how they came together. I will also give my prediction for I know all and can see into the future for that is my eighth sense! (My sixth sense is the ability to change traffic lights and my seventh is the ability to talk complete and utter urine for hours on end).
Fight 1
A Flock of Ninja Squid vs. Two Highly Trained Battle Beavers (Fight being held in the Fleckney Duck Pond)
On paper it’s a compelling contest. But one has to ask: Surely the numbers don’t add up? If the flock of squid is big then the Battle Beavers won’t be able to compete. That’s what one would think, but, let’s not forget that to be a ‘Battle Beaver’ means that you are equipped (not genetically enhanced like a Llama may be) with all sorts of apparatus that make the fighting of Ninja Squid easier; apparatus varying from lighters, kerosene and a big ball of really hot acidic mashed potato. Also it’s not like these Battle Beavers are new or have just started training like the masses of Kamikaze Ants that are springing up all over the middle east, they have been sweating blood and crying dirt for many years and have become the elite of the BA (that does not stand for bad attitude like B.A Baracus from the ‘A-Team’; it simply stands for Beaver Army). As far as the Ninja Squid go, they could do anything. Being so Ninja like, very little is known about them as they live in the shadows, they are ghosts…just with lots of dangly things… that don’t scare people…and aren’t called Casper (it is a clear fact that all ghosts are called Casper)…and struggle to breathe out of water. Apart from having the obvious weakness of not being able to breathe out of water, the squids have the clear advantage of their stealth abilities and the fact that they outnumber the Beavers at least two to one (so sources say) should make this a compelling contest. As long the Squids can contain this fight to the water then they can win but I struggle to see how they will cope with the skill of the Beavers. With the lack of space in the duck pond and the sheer ferocity of their rivals, the Squids may struggle to launch any meaningful attacks. However if the Squids can overwhelm the Beavers- perhaps by shock- then they are in with a chance. They must be very Ninja like and as I said before, stay in the water as breathing is a key part in any type of warfare, unless you want to lose but that’s just silly.
Prediction: In my eyes I see this as a very tight contest but with the eventual winner of the Two Battle Beavers.
Fight 2
B.A Baracus (Mr T) vs. Kriss Akabusi, David Hasselfhoff and Dave Benson Phillips in a Steel Cage Match
This handicap match has the makings of a right sloberknocker, ¼ of the A-Team vs. three of the hardest men that have ever walked the planet. First the Hoff, if good looks, charm and amazing acting skills could kill then this man would have killed so many people that he would be serving 3,456,676 life imprisonments (approximately). Then we have Kriss Akabusi; a sensible phonetic spelling of his name is a far away contrast to the nasty streak that this man has; his pace and pure evil ferocity make this man one hell of a presenter and one hell of a fighter. The final member of the Trio of Impending Doom (also known as Phillip), is the almighty Dave Benson Phillips; without doubt the best gunge merchant of all time. Angry with the fact that he has had to resort to a stupid cooking programme (where he wears a recockulous costume that is apparently meant to make him look like Cysquatch but is more ‘Tom Jones’) DBP wants to get his own back any way possible; even if he has to ram someone’s head through the wire mesh of the steel cage.
B.A Baracus is up against it here, without Murdock, Face and Hannibal to back him up he could be in for trouble, but then again when did he ever need anyone else’s help. The man who can make anything from anything is surely going to find away to assist him in his battle for glory. With the strength of a genetically enhanced Llama and the ingenuity of some guy I met the other day who was really innovative, B.A has a very good chance of coming out of this on top. With a history of fighting hungry landowners, mobsters and Military Policemen, B.A definitely has the most experience to handle the Trio of Impending Doom; he also has the intensity to take them on without any fear. However he also has a big heart and if he sees the grin of the Hoff he may succumb too a crushing defeat.
Prediction: If this wasn’t in a steel cage I would say the B.A Baracus would win easily; if Hoff, DBP and Akabusi can work well together then they will have a good chance of keeping the beast in the cage and stopping him escaping to a glorious victory. (For those of you who didn’t know, the idea of a Steel Cage match is to escape either through the door or over the top, you can also win by ‘pinfall’ or ‘submission’.) But, the almighty trio will have to be on the look for the other ¾ of the A-Team as it is no disqualification and they may have a plan that may just come together in order to help their big bear of a friend. This one is too tight to call so I am going to go for a draw. (Obviously a draw in a fight is when both people are either unable to fight…or dead (although when you’re dead you aren’t normally able to fight)).
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Aye, Afro duck. Was the only thing that I ever respected about Fleckney, but then again what do I know? I’m a Scotsman from Corby!
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Beavers & The Trio for me.
Dave B could kill anyone. He’d put em through that crazy machine that fires silly string at everything then gunge em!