Toilet Rights
The Toilet called to me (through telepathy) and said…
Imagine this: everyday you get sat on several times, every day you have to eat what other people have already eaten and every day you have litre upon litre of water flushed down your system. What am I? I’m the toilet! What do I want? Rights! When do I want them? NOW!
Being a toilet is like being…well a toilet. We smell bad most of the time, we rarely get a good wash, we eat bad food and drink dirty water; everyone sees us as a joke; something that is ‘disgusting’. We can’t go out, we can’t socialise with friends and to top it all off we have no rights like you ‘humans’ do and that’s just down right appalling!
Animals don’t get sat on (unless you’re Phillip Banks from the hilarious ‘Fresh Prince of Bellaire’ who sat on his son’s rabbit (not that I’d know it was hilarious I just hear people saying it when they sit on me)), people don’t get sat on unless its in some sordid reproductive ritual; so why in the hell should I have to have people sit on me several times a day when I don’t give them my consent?
I hate the Daily Mail! Why in god’s name (if there is a god) do my abusers keep bringing in that awful paper to read while they mistreat me? Every day the headlines are the same; its either ‘BROWN TO KILL THE MIDDLE CLASSES WITH TAX OF DOOM’ or ‘THE POLISH ARE COMING’ or (at a push mind) ‘SOMETHING PEOPLE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HAS HAPPENED BUT WE AREN’T GOING TELL YOU ABOUT IT AS WE ARE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!!! Ok I made the last one up but still; not only do I get sat on and forced to eat reconstituted food, but I have to put up with that crap excuse for a newspaper everyday! Only on a Sunday do my torturers decide they will get a half decent paper, they get The Sunday Times which is good, but it’s so big I barely get time to read it! If I wasn’t segregated from the outside world I could get it everyday (obviously with the help of some sort of trolley – preferably powered by wind to annoy some locals with the noise (not that there is any) – with wheels that don’t spin around and get stuck like ones I saw at B&Q when I was first stolen and taken to this awful place!)).
I won’t apologise for the previous sentence/paragraph as ok it was probably very hard to understand and quite syntactically sporadic, but to be quite frank, you deserve it, as I can’t understand what would possess you to torture me like this!
As well as making us read awful papers, you also insist that we are separated. Even the ones in public restrooms are separated by ‘wood’ or whatever you heathens call it. The only toilets that have the chance to socialise a bit are urinals. But, they aren’t as good as me anyway so I don’t really care; this may be seen by many as a form of racism but you lot are just as bad! Why are you better than me? Do you contribute to society more than me? Not really. Are you cleverer than me? No, as you haven’t worked out the meaning of life and I have (not that I’m going to tell you). Do you know more about your body than me? The obvious answer there is, NO! Really, why are you better than me? You have created me to do something you can’t do, granted I can’t walk, talk, speak, fight, dance, sing, respire, perspire, reproduce, play cricket, play football, do the lawn, do the crossword, see a play, see a film or whatever else you ‘humans’ think is fun. But my thoughts are a lot clearer that yours and as I said earlier… I know the meaning of life so I’m (no in fact we) are just as good as you!
What I am asking for here is simple, I want rights, in fact, my entire race wants rights. We are fed up of being stuck in bathrooms, privies and plastic boxes, we are fed up of being force fed and without doubt we are fed up of being forced to read the bloody Daily Mail! We want freedom and we want it now!
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Delightful.