Rapunzel Re-Written
Everything you would expect in a fairy tale plus much, much, more…
Rose (formely known as Rapunzel)
Many a year ago there lived an overweight hairy, middle aged ogre of a husband and his darling wife. They lived in a manky old excuse for a cottage; the reason being that he scrounged off benefits while she tried to provide for them both with the only job she could get…a cleaner. There was one upside to her horrid situation; she lived next to the most wonderful garden known to man. In the garden there was a wonderful array of flowers and rare herbs.
One day, the drinking and gambling had taken control of her husband and he became ill. She knew that the only thing that could possibly save him were the roses that grew next door. The bad thing is that the roses next door belonged to the local pimp and womaniser, Wes Borg-Huge.
That evening, the loving wife, struggled over the barbed wire fence and just about made it to the roses when she heard a deep booming voice, “OI, woman, what the hell do ya think you is doin’ in ma garden?!’
“Sorry,†replied the wife in a sheepish voice; she was scared of the horrible man and wanted him to go away, “Please, please, please can I have a rose to save my sick husband. I love him very much for some reason and I can’t sit back while he dies and gets sicker by the day! Please help me to help my husband! I will do anything you want just please give me a rose!â€
“Ok, you can have the rose, but for everyone you take, you must do me a ‘favour’,†replied the nasty man, with a dirty grin on his seedy, sadistic face.
“If that’s what I have to do to save my husband, then I will do it.â€
So it was, she would go to the front door of Wes’ mansion and give ‘favours’ in return for a rose to save her horrible old husband. She was very sad but at least she was making her husband better. After a month her husband was well again, it took thirty one roses but her husband was not ill anymore.
All was well again, for about a day, she was late and the pregnancy test that she had to steal from the pharmacy gave the result she did not want…she was pregnant! Instantly-knowing that she had been selling herself to save him- her husband left with some tart from the roller disco. Wes found out and said that when the baby was born, she would come to live with him in his mansion and they would live as a family.
Not long afterwards, the baby was born, but the social services had got hold of the story and didn’t see them as fit parents. They took the baby away and being so sad that her baby had been stolen from her, she committed suicide by taping her bag to her head and suffocating.
The baby was a boy so the social services named him Kevin Theobold Antoinette (as you do) and stuck him a lovely house with a lovely foster mother. He grew up to be an annoying little sprog who was rude, abusive and took his lovely mum for granted.
One day, despite the wishes of his mother, he climbed up to the top of an old oak tree and couldn’t get down! The firemen tried, the policemen tried even the postmen tried, but none of them could get him down. He had climbed too high and frankly, he deserved it.
There he was stuck till the age of seventeen when he became really annoying which to be fair is understandable considering he had been stuck up a tree for five years. Nevertheless, if had listened to his mum, then he would have never gone up and would have never got stuck.
Then, as if by fate a young girl named Rose walked by, she saw the boy and her heart melted, she was the prettiest, kindest and sweetest girl in the entire Kingdom. Without thinking, she climbed the tree, struggling at times but battling on through everything. She was near him when he said “OI, woman, what da hell are u doin’ climbin’ up ma tree’?â€
“I have come to save you, don’t you want my help?â€
“You think I want a woman to help me? I can help myself actually!†So he did, he tried climbing down after five years of sitting he had decided to be stupid and try and climb down unassisted. Why? Well it was because he couldn’t possibly be outdone by a woman could he?! Oh no, he was a man and as the old saying goes ‘A man has to do what a man has to do.’ In this case the ‘man’ tried climbing down and broke every bone in his body. Rose climbed down and as she was kind, rang for an ambulance. Three female paramedics jumped out of the ambulance and put the crying, whimpering boy on the stretcher and raced away to the ambulance.
Kevin ended up as a dustman, while Rose became the Assistant Director of McDonalds®. Rose lived a relatively good ‘happily ever after’ as she married and had two kids.
(ALTERNATE ENDING)
Rose became the Assistant Director of McDonalds®. Rose lived a relatively good ‘happily ever after’ as she married and had two kids. As for Kevin he ended up as a ‘Waste Management Administrator’ (Binman) and eventually became a heroin addict. He died of an overdose at the age of thirty two.